How To Set A Varmint Trap
1. Determine that some evil creature is murdering your adorable chickens, late in the depths of the night.
2. Partially bankrupt the family to purchase two humane live traps.
3. Break the first one fairly immediately. Trash it.
4. Break one half of the second one.
5. Take partially functioning live trap to the local feed store, get laughed at a lot by the guys there, but at least learn how to set the )#(*)#!! thing.
6. Bung up several fingers accidentally springing the trap while practicing.
7. Scour the internet for proper bait for various varmints.
8. Purchase frozen chicken. Leave out to thaw. Snatch back from dogs several times as they try to escape with it.
9. Trap three dogs and five of seven felines (who hate the dogs and you, too, for catching them) in the house
10. As the three dogs and five felines make perseverative sojurns to the closed pet door, risk the need for stitches to trap the sixth feline, and cram her in the laundry room, because she REALLY doesn't get along with the other dogs and cats.
11. Hunt and at last trap the seventh feline. Listen to them all howl.
12. Listen to son howl in his sleep, demanding that we shut the pets up.
13. Tell son to shut up (while bandaging bruised fingers and cat scratches).
14. Attempt to cover parrot before the parrot wakes. Fail. Listen to entire parrot repertoire of chirps, words, phrases, sentences, entreaties, whistles, and sound effects (fire alarm, alarm clock, sirens of all varieties, answering machine beeps, answering machine messages, and now to our great chagrin, muzac hold music he has learned during trips to the office).
15. Cover fledgling chicks and ducks and turkeys, currently about 30, who have been agitated in their brooder, peeping and quacking until the parrot peeps and quacks on top of everything else.
16. Play cat-hockey with the broom to get out the back door, with most of the less frozen chicken.
17. Almost break hand trying to set humane (for the animals, not for us) trap again.
18. Return to house (see cat-hockey entry).
19. Proceed to catch several stray tom cats before midnight, set them free, begin again at item 16.
20. Catch large raccoon by morning.
21. Argue for many hours about what to do with said raccoon.
22. Argue over whether or not to give raccoon food and water while you're arguing.
23. Finally decide to drive about five miles away and release raccoon.
24. Achieve this without getting bitten (no small feat). Curse whoever called traps humane, as there is nothing about them designed for humans. Watch as raccoon flees in a straight line directly back toward your farm.
25. Drive slowly back to your own driveway, wondering who will get home first, you or the raccoon.
2. Partially bankrupt the family to purchase two humane live traps.
3. Break the first one fairly immediately. Trash it.
4. Break one half of the second one.
5. Take partially functioning live trap to the local feed store, get laughed at a lot by the guys there, but at least learn how to set the )#(*)#!! thing.
6. Bung up several fingers accidentally springing the trap while practicing.
7. Scour the internet for proper bait for various varmints.
8. Purchase frozen chicken. Leave out to thaw. Snatch back from dogs several times as they try to escape with it.
9. Trap three dogs and five of seven felines (who hate the dogs and you, too, for catching them) in the house
10. As the three dogs and five felines make perseverative sojurns to the closed pet door, risk the need for stitches to trap the sixth feline, and cram her in the laundry room, because she REALLY doesn't get along with the other dogs and cats.
11. Hunt and at last trap the seventh feline. Listen to them all howl.
12. Listen to son howl in his sleep, demanding that we shut the pets up.
13. Tell son to shut up (while bandaging bruised fingers and cat scratches).
14. Attempt to cover parrot before the parrot wakes. Fail. Listen to entire parrot repertoire of chirps, words, phrases, sentences, entreaties, whistles, and sound effects (fire alarm, alarm clock, sirens of all varieties, answering machine beeps, answering machine messages, and now to our great chagrin, muzac hold music he has learned during trips to the office).
15. Cover fledgling chicks and ducks and turkeys, currently about 30, who have been agitated in their brooder, peeping and quacking until the parrot peeps and quacks on top of everything else.
16. Play cat-hockey with the broom to get out the back door, with most of the less frozen chicken.
17. Almost break hand trying to set humane (for the animals, not for us) trap again.
18. Return to house (see cat-hockey entry).
19. Proceed to catch several stray tom cats before midnight, set them free, begin again at item 16.
20. Catch large raccoon by morning.
21. Argue for many hours about what to do with said raccoon.
22. Argue over whether or not to give raccoon food and water while you're arguing.
23. Finally decide to drive about five miles away and release raccoon.
24. Achieve this without getting bitten (no small feat). Curse whoever called traps humane, as there is nothing about them designed for humans. Watch as raccoon flees in a straight line directly back toward your farm.
25. Drive slowly back to your own driveway, wondering who will get home first, you or the raccoon.
posted by WriterChick at 9:52 PM
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